Using Your Mind To Make Others Use Their Backs

First of all, I would like my readers to know that I am in fact still alive and in search of world domination. Despite the fact many of you may think I am some comedy writer, I am in fact engaged in an activity which will change the world - putting it firmly in my grasp!  As you can imagine, it is very time consuming. Now that you know I'm still here, on to the article...

There is a special place in my heart for making other people do my dirty work. For those who consider themselves "better" than the rich and famous they see on TV simply because they sweat at work, I say this: you are a fool! I "earn a living," too, but I have no interest in wasting what precious time I have breaking my back for someone else's gain. Nay, my endeavours are difficult and time consuming, but they all provide steam for my inevitable train of conquest.

What you must realize, minions, is that if you wish to rise and challenge me for the title someday, you will need all the sub-minions you can muster.  Although the greatest figures in history are credited with their huge feats, they would never have made it past their first steps without hundreds, thousands, maybe even millions of nameless assistants living and dying for their cause.

Here's how you can create your empire on the backs of minions, while you are fed grapes and fanned by your attractive female servants (or male servants, if you are into that kind of thing):

1.  Think Like A Titan

The very first, and most crucial, step is to get your mind on the right track.  You need to erase all the programming that you have been exposed to, and walk on a higher, more educated path than the rest of the world.  Most people accept what is accepted by others - to think like this is death.  Do not follow the herd - find the answers for yourself, and do not allow others to slow you down.

In essence, you need to being to despise the average way of life and all the baggage that comes with it.  If you're looking for a family unit, a mortgage you can barely afford and a white picket fence, please stop reading my articles.  Life is short, do not behave like a sheep simply because it is socially acceptable and comfortable.  No risk, no reward.

2.  Evaluate Yourself Very Honestly - And Improve

Although you inevitably have an ego, you need to stay calm and collected as you build your empire.  Pat of this is accepting that there are people out there who are more capable and more intelligent than you are.  Don't be angry about it, instead take the wise route and use what knowledge and ability they have to your advantage.

Sun Tzu says in the Art of War (if you haven't read it, do the world a favor and go drown yourself in goat urine) that if you know yourself and know your enemy, you will be victorious in 1000 battles.  Take a look at yourself, figure out what areas you are skilled with, as well as what aspects of your personality are weak.  To know what you can handle and what should be handled by someone more capable is a valuable skill.

This is absolutely crucial for when you are creating your team of minions, and ultimately it will decide how successful you are.

3.  Morale Is Crucial

It is easy to be a fierce and uncompromising leader, but the fact is you need to motivate other people to work for you.  If you do not protect the morale of your organization, minions will begin to plot towards your downfall.  Be sure you deliberately demonstrate you are "on the level" with your minions, and are just as human as they are.

Remember their names, their family histories, their favorite hobbies, etc. and reward them accordingly.  Have a minion who loves to bowl?  Rather than give them a pay raise or extra recognition, buy them the best bowling ball money can buy.  Perhaps a minion has a sick mother - pay for her medical expenses.  To put a minion in debt in a personal fashion like this can also be very effective for keeping loyalty at maximum capacity.

4.  Give Your Minions A Cause

The most effective way to make people work for your gain is to give them a cause to rally behind.  Whether it be racial, religious or politicial, if you can find an issue that gets their hearts beating and their vocal cords trembling, juice it to squeeze the life essence out of your minions.  President Obama used this to perfection with his platforms of "Yes We Can" and "Change Has Come."  The best causes are generally ones that have to do with economic or religious issues, so be sure to find one that suits your needs.

5.  Take All The Credit

Once your minions have broken their backs to place you on the throne, be sure to either reward or get rid of them.  Anyone that has secrets that could damage your position should be disposed of - if they feel like they can dangle harm in front of you it puts them in a dangerously powerful position that they will not retire from willingly.  For those who are at your beck and call, reward them so their minds remain stimulated on other things and their ambition has no reason to sprout.

Follow these tips, and you should have a comfortable cushion in a golden throne under your bottom in no time.